About a year ago I hit a huge wall of anxiety and exhaustion. It had been building slowly, but when I finally hit it man did I slam hard!!
I was raised a tough farm girl. We got things done. You persevere because there was no choice. With that I spent my life persevering. Just “push through it” was my motto. You push through because you have no choice. Just like everyone else, I have managed life’s challenges. Some of them small, some of them freaking whoppers!! But I managed them with the push through mindset.
Where I found myself this past year was a crippling ball of anxiety. It did not make sense to me why I was feeling it and where it was coming from. But what I have since realized, is that my years of pushing through did me a disservice. The anxiety and feelings accumulated instead of being released. While I managed my days I did not allow myself to feel the moment. Literally I would tell myself to just get it done and I would feel it tomorrow. I have spent a lot of this past year feeling everything from the last 10 + years. It has been an interesting roller coaster ride that I would give a huge 2 thumbs down to.
As I am coming out the other side, the ludicrousness of the whole scenario is there. As a mom, spouse, entrepreneur the need to succeed/thrive and get the daily list items accomplished was huge. I sacrificed myself. I put everything and everyone else before the items that I needed to fuel myself.
I was absolutely spent! And I went quiet. I stopped using social media and communicating outside of my self imposed bubble on just about everything. I took weeks off not leaving the house, not grocery shopping, not working, not even cooking. I socialized once and that took me days to recover from. What I needed was rest! What I gave myself was that rest!
Understanding the what and why of my feelings was one thing, trying to change it was an entirely different matter. I find it fascinating how incredibly difficult it was to allow myself to make space for ME in my days. Understanding what I needed and actually doing it were 2 very different things. I started with small moments like having a cup of tea while reading a page. Seems simple but I have not read a book in years. I did not allow myself the time to sit and read a chapter when there were so many other people/places/and things that needed me (all in my mind of course). I adopted a weekly hike which always left me feeling giddy with joy. After my first hike I was again intrigued with my patterns. I absolutely love hiking why was I not doing this regularly!!!
During rest time I reflected on what makes me happy and what doesn’t. I heard a line from a movie recently that went “you need to remember who you were before you were everything to everyone else”. Wow That Hit Home HARD! I love my life, my family, my kids, my hubby, my photography, my experiences (good and bad) I would not change any single second of it. But somewhere along the days I lost myself.
For me that person is being found through a newfound smile filter. Remembering and finding what I love to do, love to say, love to think, love to sing, love to learn and especially love for myself. Yes sounds super flaky but it is the straight facts. I am revisiting the things that I used to love and am finding new things that make me smile. It started off slow but now I feel like I am skipping excitedly into each day.
So for all of you “just push through it” people…Be kind to yourself and take a moment to remember who you are and what makes you smile. That smile factor is the fuel that keeps you going through the bad and good days.
I hope that you are enjoying Patty’s Reflections; my collection of blog posts where I will share some of my more personal thoughts with all of you. Check out more Patty’s Reflections on my blog page. https://www.reflectionsbypatty.com/category/pattys-reflections/.